Every fall, parents write out their back-to-school lists: New clothes, new school supplies, new backpack, good sleep hygiene — on and on.

You’ll easily find advice for the comprehensive checklist that helps your children start the new school year strong. One resource I like is American Academy of Pediatrics’ Healthychildren.org.

While parents and children consult about school supplies, they don’t discuss their confusing feelings about “back to school” time nearly as much. Thanks to the animated film “Inside Out 2,” feelings are back in the spotlight. The film dramatizes Riley’s inner life, reminding us of these unbidden, confusing disruptors — both painful and delicious — the “enliveners and enrichers” of our lives.

Some kids and parents really do seem to sail through life, singing “hello new adventure.” They embrace “new year, new beginnings.” But many of us inhabit a more complex emotional landscape. We both love and hate growth and change – whether it’s starting kindergarten or middle school, or just moving to the next grade.

Sometimes you or your child engage the paradox head-on. Sometimes, the emotions seep through indirectly — in sleeplessness, power struggles, or your child’s reluctance to take a growing-up step.

You may not know whether you regret your children’s return to school or want to be rid of them.

You’re tired of organizing summer camps and play dates: Thank God you get your own schedule back. But sadness creeps in when you recall those lazy, timeless afternoons cozying up together with a book, the scent of their hair and warmth of their bodies. Such closeness won’t last forever. One of these years, they’ll outgrow dreamy “mommy time” or “daddy time.”

You’ll wish you’d savored every second, even as you can’t wait until they’re back at school.

Parental honesty is a great relief to children. Listening to your own mixed feelings makes it easier to listen to theirs. Maybe they’re missing an old teacher, a friend placed in a different class, or summertime freedom. But if you keep listening, you’ll also likely hear their pride about moving up in the grade school hierarchy, excitement about what they’ll learn, and relief to get back with their peers.

Listening to their mixed feelings is a gift. I tell kids that feelings are like a multi-flavored ice cream cone. Some flavors they’ll like more than others and some they’ll hate.

So listen, but resist the urge to reassure or problem solve. This teaches your children that all feelings are bearable.

Then express confidence in their ability to handle the new grade. They might be sad about losses – and they might be nervous – but in the end, they’ll be proud of this growing-up step.

The new school year is also a natural time for kids to take a grown-up step at home. Review together what they’re in charge of, what you do together and what you still do for them. It’s time to “level up.”

To decide what they should add, think back on your power struggles: Has it been over clothing choices, getting through the morning routine on time, or working on that book report? Rough patches usually hint at the task you’ve been holding on to, a task they’re ready to take on themselves. For example, you hound your kid through the morning routine, but could teach them to follow a clock instead.

Growing children can also assume new jobs. Perhaps yours could pack lunch. Of course, you’ll have to teach kitchen skills and provide access to tools and food. Then you’ll fret: maybe, if your children learn to make lunch, you won’t be as close. They won’t need you in the old ways.

But you’ll also be proud to have raised children who can take care of themselves. They’ll use your confidence in them as a lifelong resource. And you’ll find more mature ways to enjoy closeness. Over time, your relationship becomes more a partnership around feelings, thoughts and problems. You’ll be someone with whom they can reflect on their new world of school and friends, the world that belongs to them.

When helping your children take on a new responsibility, remember to go step-wise. Parents often skip this crucial intermediate step: Standing by to admire. This step pays off in the end. It helps them internalize the admiring, loving parent and become an admiring, loving parent to themselves.

Independence won’t pitch them into the lonely abyss: You might still hang out in the kitchen, companionably working together on your separate projects. You might notice that their sandwiches don’t look like yours, but so what? They won’t starve.

You might ask, “Was it fun to make your own lunch?” It’s a subtle shift from “I’m so proud you made your own lunch.”

The shift matters, because the pride and pleasure is in your child. That’s the best recipe for becoming an “I can do” person.

Of course, in real life, it’s never easy. But I wanted to pass on a perspective I’ve found useful. If you’re still struggling with “back to school” and how to help your children take growing-up steps, remember that hidden feelings and motivations derail the best-laid conscious plans. When a child resists a growing-up step, you’re probably both resisting your feelings about growth and change. Those feelings can guide you each to self-knowledge.

Miriam Voran consults with parents and practices psychoanalytic psychotherapy with children and adults in West Lebanon and Montpelier. She is a Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at Geisel School of Medicine at Dartmouth. She lives in West Lebanon.